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[18 May 2010|05:26am]
I started looking around here at old journals of people I haven't talked to in forever. Got real nostalgic for the better parts of those times I remember. I don't think I'd ever want to go back to being a teenager with all the drama and immaturity I didn't even know I had back then.

I found at least one person who probably didn't know an entry was public - or maybe they wanted to see if anyone would "catch" them. Wouldn't surprise me at all actually, but it made me sad.

There's only maybe three people on here still reading these regularly. The fad is definitely over.

So many people just kinda disappeared after high school, too. So many people that I knew peripherally that looking back I felt some kind of community with. At least considering around here you're just a number in a classroom of 300 and there you at least knew faces. Or even in church. As much as I don't really miss church. I kinda miss the feeling of fitting in I had briefly... and definitely not at the place I thought I would, looking back.

And now, for the most part, when people from high school come back, and like one just did, contact me on facebook and want to hang out, I pretend I'm totally ok with the idea, but in reality, I don't want to see them or get plugged back into that group. At all. A few people I'd get back with just because we have that connection of having survived there, but for the most part the remnants of the people who are around here are only wallowing in drugs and alcohol, and I can't take anymore of that. I've outgrown it.

I feel in a way like I'm putting myself through rehab. Or maturity as others may call it. I guess it's maturity because I think rehab is supposed to get you back to the normal you were supposedly at before.

I've been in a funk ever since finals ended because I didn't realize it at the time, but I liked working and having something to get out of bed for in the morning every day - that pressure drove me, and now without it I have nothing to do, nothing to get up for other than work and another day. Not in that suicidal kind of I don't want to get out of bed kind of way - just that... there's no pressing thing to accomplish today. Without that drive, I tend to fade into apathy and a melancholic state.

I never thought I'd be here years later, a survivor of all that I've written about, and seeing that other than the people who know who they are... nobody held out. Nobody even tried. And most of them quit long before I knew it, when I was so naive as to believe they hadn't. So gloriously fucking naive. I'm not so much angry as heartbroken to have seen some of what happened. And people would probably say the same for what I've done with my life over the last few years... but damn it, I didn't sell out.

Every time someone tells me I drink too much or how much I drink at a time or any of that, it really gets to me because... I don't know, it's not that I fear being an alcoholic at all, but there's safety in the idea of being one. I don't mean drinking so much as the ability to blame any failure on drinking as I think most people in college do. Any failure in any class can be blamed on drinking too much.

I've started to realize with this one somewhat-former friend of mine that that life... it's crippling him. He'll never amount to anything because he's defined himself within the rockstar-drinking-smoking whatever... and is just going to bounce from job to job telling you about how awesome he'd be at X thing... and never be willing to put in the work to do it.

And that's the difference with me I guess. I may have gone to community college, but damn it, I graduated. I may have gotten a C- in finance 302, the class that everyone fails the first time, but damn it, I passed it the first time, and I worked damn hard to do it, and I'm more proud of that C- than any A I've gotten.

Where have you all gone? Did you all sell out? Forgive my incoherency... Forgive my tears for memory... but why didn't you tell me you had no intention to try? Why didn't you tell me I was so much stronger, or that maybe you were that weak? I tried to hold up the world and failed... I know what that feels like, and I know the maturity not to try... but I traded the ability to feel for the ability to feel nothing.

Behind this coldness is someone who deeply cares, got burned, and just isn't sure how to care. It's not that I'm afraid of being hurt so much as I have the maturity to know what isn't my problem now.

Soon, if I keep working at this, I'll eventually get to where I can write about the deeper issues. All of this noise until then is me warming up to that, I guess. It was all always noise...
Comments: 4 in need - Tech Support .

[03 Mar 2010|03:00am]
I started looking through old entries and realizing entries I thought were fairly recent and realized some were written well over two years ago. Hard to believe it's been almost that long since the motorcycle wreck - and I'm still trying to put my shoulder back into place. Life is flying by so fast.

I also realized books I referenced I still haven't finished - 3 years after starting them and them still being on my dresser.

I've been living more in the moment lately, because I know when this is over, I'll miss playing Smash every night. These are some very good days, and I'm really enjoying them, and I'm glad I'm enjoying them now more than reminiscing long after the fact.

I definitely wish I had more time, but I'm enjoying what I do have. There's always so much more work to get done than I have time for.

I'd love to go back to when we were all kids and hung out at my grandmother's pool and watched Nicktoons all day. You never know how fast those days fly by - and the same with these, and I'm enjoying it so much that I've forgotten to write lately.

And that's definitely a good thing.
Comments: Tech Support .

[01 Mar 2010|08:17pm]
I've totally pretty much forgotten I even had an LJ and a lot of the people I used to know, most of whom didn't make the friends only cut anyway.

Anyone still out here?

I saw an old comment cleaning out my email and realized I hadn't been on here in forever.
Comments: 3 in need - Tech Support .

[15 Nov 2009|03:53pm]
I've been noticing subtle changes in myself lately, the kind of things that develop over time that surprise you when you realize them because if you had made a conscious decision to make them the way they ended up, you'd have been opposed to them. The biggest few things are that I've started studying a lot more consistently (as opposed to barely at all), more or less decided to quit watching tv, and quit drinking cokes.

The biggest two are really the last. Typically I would think someone who doesn't watch tv or drink cokes would be some weird home schooled type who had either a moral or health reason for it, but really it's come down to this:

I'm sick of television that appeal to the lowest common denominator of humanity. I'm tired of seeing shows about people who are famous because tv tells me they should be. I don't care about these people, from Kim Kardashian to John and Kate plus their 8 paychecks. I used to almost exclusively only watch the History and the Discovery channel, but even these have lost my interest. Even CNBC replays their documentaries - which are usually pretty good the first time, but they literally play the same show multiple times a week, for weeks on end.

I don't mind watching tv at all with other people, but in those situations it tends to be a conversational focus. That doesn't bother me at all - hockey especially. It's this mind numbing stuff that's getting to me. I refuse to feed it or watch any more stupid Burger King commercials and be a part of this.

I've decided to make it a point to replace the time I would have spent watching tv with reading. I enjoy it more anyway, and there's so many things I haven't read.

As for the cokes, as I drank them less, I found I wanted them less. I replaced it with fruit juices and teas and have felt healthier as a result. But I don't see myself putting whiskey in a apple juice any time soon. Apple cider on the other hand...
Comments: Tech Support .

[08 Nov 2009|08:06pm]
I always feel the need for my return to writing I need to produce something poignant, something structured and significant, as there aren't many writings on here anymore. It keeps me from writing - but not writing has led me to reading, and that's been good enough lately.

I've gotten passionately, though I wouldn't say deeply, involved in politics. People who get deeply involved argue on forums - I argue on facebook, and therefore don't use the higher, more in depth material or arguments as the majority of people I talk to are, for the most part like me, retarded because we're on facebook. With me, an explanation for anything I believe in goes back to a deep set of fundamental beliefs, and therefore explaining myself takes a long time, and despite the lack of easy explanation, it makes me feel more firm and rooted in my beliefs.

I spent a long time wanting to be rebellious, went through my communist phase - the Che phase - before I even took economics and knew what I was talking about. It was contrarian, or so I was told, and that was enough for me. I bought his book. I never read it. I wanted to be smart and I asked for Carl Sagan's Cosmos series for Christmas, and with it my dad included a Christian documentary that was basically a rebuttal to it. He didn't ever say anything more than that I should watch it. He just gave it to me. He never told me that Carl Sagan was a liberal pot smoking moron, he left me to find that out on my own. I didn't realize that for a long, long time, but it meant a lot to me when I did.

Now that I'm moving past the high school extremist phase of my life, I've moved into the college extremist phase of my life and at no better time than when our country is being raped by liberals. The problem is, you can't argue with liberals because they don't believe in anything at all, so you can't back them up against a wall to defend themselves. They just believe you should love everyone and not worry about what works or that liberalism leads to slavery because everyone becomes equal - in the worst way.

I do not believe that all men are created equal - obviously Einstein and the proverbial Forrest Gump are not equal - but they have equal rights. But what are these rights?

The standard moron can say "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" but not many can explain it.

Very simply put these can probably only be understood in light of what it looks like not to have them - to live in Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, or any of these countries where people eke out an existence in oppression and most certainly don't have freedom or, as we would define it, happiness.

Gay marriage?
Not a right. Marriage is an legal institution accepted by a majority of society - as shown with gay marriage being voted down 31/31 times - and not a basic right.

Free healthcare?
No way. No one owes you that. Those who would not work to provide for themselves are owed nothing by those who do. The same people who say healthcare is unaffordable are the same people who, for the most part, are financially irresponsible.

It is financially irresponsible to waste money on things like cigarettes and alcohol before providing for your family. Sorry - those aren't a right either. It's also financially irresponsible to have more kids than you can afford - especially if they're with multiple (multiple, multiple) people. I am NOT a proponent of abortion - I'm a proponent of responsibility.

The minimum wage argument is ridiculous. No one who goes to work and works hard over a period of time will ever remain at minimum wage unless they essentially choose to do so. If you want to move up and make more money and provide more for your family, there are more than enough opportunities to better yourself - even with a simple library card. I've learned more from libraries than I ever will from college, and more knowledgeable employees are better employees.

I believe wholeheartedly in the free market. I believe that this socialism is an atrocity brought on because liberals have taught everyone that it's wrong to tell anyone no - gays, people on welfare, anyone. If you tell someone they don't deserve something you are a hateful, racist, intolerant, unintelligent bigot. IT'S NOT TRUE.

America has spent so long telling kids that they pass no matter what, that they get by for effort, that we've convinced ourselves slowly that everyone is equal. Not everyone is equal, everyone has equal opportunity to achieve greatness if they will work to achieve it. America doesn't achieve success. There are so many failed companies for every start up, but there are so many innovations that have come from people who found a better way to do something.

Liberal media has convinced almost everyone that anyone who succeeds in business, or receives a large paycheck got there by being a corrupt, backstabbing bastard. IT'S NOT TRUE. Companies don't want to hire unethical people - they're a HUGE legal liability in civil court. Those who do are few and far between.

As for executive compensation, people are guaranteed what they are guaranteed under contract law, period. If shareholders (the only people who have a say) are against that, they can group together to vote out those whom they desire to vote out. If they can't resolve it that way, they have every right to sell their stock and leave in protest.

As for the government firing executives, the government never had any right to get into private equities, but here we are - socialism!

In short, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone no or that you disagree with them. This country was founded on saying NO. No, we won't be taxed without representation. No, we won't let you extort us financially. No, we don't like your way of doing things with us.

But now it's time to say NO, we don't want this liberal America. NO, we don't want your healthcare sham. NO, we don't want you in office and NO you won't be there next election. It's well time we grew some balls and started being politically incorrect and telling these people that we still stand for moral values and don't mind offending a small vocal minority that thinks they deserve everything they demand because NO THEY DON'T.
Comments: Tech Support .

[09 Jun 2009|05:59pm]
The Totally Offensive Completely Incorrect Simple Rundown of Politics

Variant 1: College Yuppie
Either a professor or a faux intellectual college student. Either a liberal hippie who loves everyone and has no concept of politics outside of being trendy or a professor who gets his paycheck from the government.

Variant 2: Welfare Check Recipient
Wears a huge shirt with Obama's face on it. Voted for Obama simply because he's black, but calls you a racist for not voting for him because he's black. Needs welfare check because they have 12 kids with 12 different dads and no job and refuses to quit breeding future Variant 2 Democrats.

Variant 1: Religious Conservatives
Your mother. Jerry Falwell. Typical rednecks.

Variant 2: Obnoxious white guy
Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh.

Variant 3: A white guy with a job.
No more needs to be said.

Green Party:
Weed smoking college students, or old white guys who don't realize they're old white guys. All Mac users.

See Variant 2 of Republican, add gun right enthusiast.

Democrats will always vote Democratic to keep their check coming or to keep up the appearances of not being associated with those intolerant Christian types - you know, the "I'm so open minded and you aren't!" crowd.

Republicans are the people who pay the bills for Democrat Variant 2's children to go to a school where they shoot each other, eat free meals, and then turn into crack addicts and baby mamas and restart the cycle all the while complaining they never had a chance.

Got it? Good.
Comments: Tech Support .

[03 Jun 2009|04:17am]
Time for something other than political rantings for the 4 AM writing block.

Political rantings have become the never ending pointless battle that fill my gratuitous spare time. And then became an obsession, given the dire nature of things. There's so much I've wanted to write about here, so much to pour out, so many concerns, but the nature of public domain and such make it unwise to write about such things... Thus, like a normal person, I've resorted to gossip and conversation.

My private life is full of hurry up and wait. I'm very frustrated with work on that account. But that's partly the nature of the beast with the schedule I work. I could write volumes of things about work that don't need to be posted on the internet. (Disclaimer to the people paid to look for these things on the internet so they can fire people: I don't blame corporate. Corporate is wonderful. 5 gold stars.)

I'm tired of working with low lifes and drug addicts. I'm tired of being surrounded by drugs. I don't know if I've newly walked into it or was blissfully unaware before, but I indirectly come in contact with drugs or drug deals on a near daily basis now. I thought drug addicts were shady homeless people who slept in abandoned factories, not the majority of restaurant employees.

I'm hurrying up to finish my paperwork for college, but waiting on it to come, waiting to move, waiting to do this, and that, but hurrying to get it done. I'm restless.

I'm tired of having people pick fights with me at work. I'm tired of the same particular ones pretending we're ok and leaving each other alone and then turning on me and picking a fight as soon as they can. I'm tired of it being ok for them to curse me up and down and the second I say a word back they go tell the manager I started something - and the same backstabbing minimum wage employees who have nothing better to do than lie and take sides for drama's sake turning on me for no reason other than their own malicious entertainment. I keep reminding myself assault and battery can only take place in the confines of my mind. Postal employees would be put to shame.

It feels like there's no escape from this daily cycle of minimum wage labor, particularly with the economy being what it is. Or rather the government structure. The economy is just fine - the government interfering with the free market is the problem.

I don't want huge amounts of money. I want to work somewhere that knows what a drug test is. And can afford to test their employees without losing half their work force.

They teach you all this stuff in Christian school about worldviews and such. They teach you how to diagnose anything wrong with the world, why people are sinful, why they think like they do, all the -isms that define what they have.

Well, here's to nihilism.

They only taught you how to diagnose. They never knew the Doctor. You were only ever intended to judge. They never taught you how to talk to people. And they never spoke to your soul either. It was always about being perfect, having perfect theology, having perfect answers when you went up to someone's door to harass them with Evangelism Explosion so Jesus would love you more because you solicited someone and made them uncomfortable.

This was never about changing the world. The world will never change until Jesus comes back. I just want me to be changed.
Comments: Tech Support .

[30 May 2009|04:12am]
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Friends are coming and going - mostly going. I'm caught somewhere between the tedious slowness of every day repetition and the blinding blur of the last few years. My room is a wreck; underneath piles of clothes, and video game equipment lie piles of books... some read, most not, from various points of interest in my life.

From even the lowest points on the pile there's been an underlying political interest, which probably started with Che Guevara's Guerilla Warfare. But really it seems the most I collected books the fewer I read. At least I used to write. Now it feels like my soul is stuck in the everyday grind, unchallenged, atrophying underneath the faux intelligencia of liberal education.

There are no heroes anymore. There are no great thinkers. The liberals sought to destroy every heroic figure there was, from George Washington on down and elected in the hall where heroes should stand an unqualified black man anointed to save us all. Greatness is not something that belongs to our generation. We are victims of our own self indulgent suicide - whether you blame the blacks who voted for Obama to keep their welfare checks or the rich white corporate CEOs who would play up to anyone to get a bailout as long as they got a tax break. Divided we stand, while clutching for the most gold on a sinking ship.

I've grown extremely jaded and disillusioned - half of which can be blamed on what the liberal media want us to feel. The media wants you to feel beaten down; they want to create fear - all to push you towards their golden anointed one because only socialism and the government can save you.

But deeper than that this is a weariness of the soul, of fighting battles I shouldn't have to fight. And I can't even list a lot of those things here because of the people it would implicate - but this is my point exactly. It used to be the big evil things were so far away and removed, and now they're so close I'd have to call out my "friends."

Isolation seems the only "right" choice if one exists - and this is obviously impractical. The end result of all of this, of every temptation there is, is to leave you alone and miserable. And yet we run head long into the blades that separate us, even from our former selves.

I don't believe in hope all that much anymore. I believe in God. But not in a way that's going to leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. I believe that when this world goes to hell, as it soon will because our president wants it to so he can be elevated to even more of a living god when he claims to step in and fix it and the ignorant masses won't accept that he created it, only God can save me out of this. Being what I am, I would love to watch the world burn, even to go with it if the price of my anger is to be included, but it's obviously a dead end to feel that way. My anger holds nothing on the world. If I died, my anger dies with me and the world moves on towards hell.

Everything feels so empty and hollow in the shadow of the gloom that hangs over us. The world is changing.
Comments: Tech Support .

[20 May 2009|04:35am]
I miss you guys.

Thanks for sticking around all of these years with our readings and skimmings and generally keeping up with each other. I've known most of you longer than I've known most of the people I know irl... and it's kind of sad in a way how we've bonded in that strange way that kind of disappears when you walk away from a computer, but at the same time not. Our virtual lives kind of exist here in a weird way that when looked back upon in past entries leaves behind a part of yourself where you go "wow, I was so young and stupid then..." but perpetually creates more of the same.

I never write anymore because my life feels like Groundhog's Day and I don't have any means of intellectual stimulation. Briarwood, on some instances, was at least good for that, even if it was the kind of stimulation that made you want to strangle a baby. Jeff State has been the death of me mentally. And I assume that's the way life is from here out - one big boring struggle against the corporate (now government) giant.

There are no philosophy classes or Bible classes to stimulate any part of me mentally or spiritually. The obvious answer to this, of course, is to go read a book, but the real stimulation of it all was the human interaction of the discussion. All you get in college is a bunch of liberal circle jerking each other about how smart they are for not believing in God. Never forget that public school college professors are government employees. Their paycheck comes from the taxpayer - hence the liberal thing. Bigger government = bigger paycheck.

There's not much change in the day to day as far as work goes. The restaurant industry has always and will always be the same week to week. I don't want to think that the world is like this from here out, that you do the same thing day to day despite what degrees and such you accumulate, but I think the mental deprivation of Jeff State and a mindless job have left me so jaded I wouldn't see hope if it hit me in the face.

Almost all of my friends have moved away, or for the most part gotten busy with their own lives. This seems to be the pattern of adulthood: friends devolving into coworkers. I'm not sure if the bond deepens with mutual interests between people in the later years of college or the beginning of a career that doesn't involve dirty dishes, but I assume it would. But that also leaves the door wide open for surface level conversations and relationships that end at 5 PM every day.

I wouldn't say I'm lonely. I have really good friends. We've just gotten extremely busy and don't see each other very often unless between the hours of 11 PM and 4 AM. Summer is a time to make more money at work, not a time to play anymore. I guess I'd best describe it as bored. I'm very, very bored. I read books on portfolio theory for fun, and it's not that that bores me at all. I've always been a nerd and always will be - it's that I don't have any friends mutually interested in the same nerdy things I am. That's really what gets to me I guess.
Comments: 1 in need - Tech Support .

[20 May 2009|04:14am]
Remember when we all used LJ and had trouble keeping up with our friend updates? And then when everyone from high school discovered LJ and it was no longer a place for emo rantings and became a place for the mass postage of quizzes?

And then MySpace came along for those too stupid to write? And then facebook came along? Which was really cool until those damn high schoolers snuck in with the college email someone let them borrow? And then your mom got facebook? And then really old people started getting on facebook?

The internet has devolved from a place for porn to a place that was safe because your mother couldn't comprehend a computer to a place where your mother forwards you chain mail from a decade ago.
Comments: 2 in need - Tech Support .

[29 Apr 2009|09:39pm]
It was once said a black man wouldn't be President in America until pigs could fly.

100 days into the Obama administration:
Swine flu.
Comments: 1 in need - Tech Support .

[24 Oct 2008|08:21am]
New Journal Rule:
Liberal idiots who can't support their arguments with anything more than an empty Obama-esque sob story (or irrelevant statistics) will be banned.

I enjoy intelligent conversation, and that's why I spend a lot of my day talking to myself.
Comments: Tech Support .

[27 Aug 2008|03:41pm]
I haven't really posted an entry or even started to write one or actively considered writing one in probably a record stretch. The last month or so has been about the most hectic stint of my life in recent memory: 2 motorcycle accidents, stitches in my face, getting fired over a bullshit situation, being forced to change my major, drop every class, and make an entirely new schedule so that I could graduate at the end of this year with my 2 year degree after 3 years of college, attempting to get a job and having to explain why I left my last job, stressing out and drinking my weight in vodka on an empty stomach and passing out in a restaurant at 11 AM... You name it, it's probably happened.

In short, this hasn't exactly been some shining month of greatness in my life that I'd particularly like to really remember.

I only really have one goal that's keeeping me moving: to get out of here. My motivation is Kerry, but my goal is to leave here and be done with this and start over somewhere new - somewhere more challenging.

I sat in my literature class today while the teacher went through rough drafts, tearing them apart with red ink and sending students to the computer lab to rewrite them. When he got to mine, he looked dead at me (I didn't even know he knew my name), and said, "Thanks for coming in today. You can go on home if you want." Everyone in that room turned and stared at me with looks that could kill... and I just smiled quietly, got my bag, and left.

I can't take much pride in this, but it's a start.

And that's what all this comes down to, really: a new start, a phoenix rising up from the ashes of a Triumph Thunderbird that hit the highway that should have killed me.

I still think a part of me died when I hit the road. Thus far I haven't liked what it left me with because I've been a stressed out mean little bastard since then; I won't even lie about that. I don't like myself that much lately, but I'm seeing what steps it'll take to change. When I get too depressed to leave the house, I set goals for myself for the day. It gives me something to live that day for, some sense of purpose, even if it's so simple as "Goal 1: Go to class. Goal 2: Finish homework." Setting these little goals and accomplishing them is helping me to keep moving and at least keep from shutting down, which seems to be the easy cop out given the way shit has fallen lately.

I applied for another waiting job. It's a beast I know and something I can fit into my weekends, despite the fact that it will leave me working or going to school 7 days a week - and that's ok with me, because at the end of this year I have a prize waiting on me: a degree and a ticket out of here... and most importantly a chance to be closer to the girl I love.

I've been listening to stuff off of Metallica's St Anger probably an unhealthy amount lately. I've only recently become interested in them, but that album seems to sum up how I've been feeling: a little angry, edgy, heavy, but stubborn with an unbeatable will to survive - "Shoot me again, I ain't dead yet!"

I'm not sure what I want to do longterm. I've been trying to come to peace with that a lot lately. I never liked the idea of being a suit, but it seems that's where I'm headed. And the more I think about it and put it on my terms, the more ok I'm becoming with it. For some reason "being good at allocating resources to build a bigger, better, more efficient monster" sounds a lot better than "corporate moneywhore."

The potential of it isn't as dead ended as it feels. I don't think anyone's job is really so simple as "go make money." I think I could maintain my interest in technology, etc, and even have it as an asset in my career. That allows me to keep on the edge, to keep bettering myself, and not just sit there and wait on interest to build and the corporate money machine to keep moving me and feeding me. Also, with a lot of the stuff I watched on Bill Nye's show last night, there's a lot of ways that I think proper management of business can make the world a better place - in green ways, but in more logical ways than what most people think of. I really liked what he had to say about that. He presented practical means to make the world better other than doing traditional social work. I really really like that idea.

I think the time has come for me to accept that fact that I've been above the curve without trying for years. I want to embrace my full potential, and right now that means blowing these Jeff State classes out of the water so I can take my next step into 4 year college and do the same there. I'm going to live up to what I was supposed to be one step at a time, one day at a time, and make something of myself. I don't even have to know where I'm going; I just want to go somewhere for a change and quit being a waste of life. I'm ready to own up to everything I should be and make a life for myself. I'm ready to be responsible.

And it goes without saying for anyone who's known me through any of this that all of this couldn't have happened without Kerry. And I don't want this to be embarrassing for her or sound so sappy that it just comes across as stupid, but the truth is she's been my sanity and my best friend and my support throughout all of this and never gave up on me even when I was difficult and hard to get along with. And I just wanted to publicly say thank you. And I love you.

That's really all I have to say for now. I just wanted to do a little update and whatnot to try to kickstart me writing again, but really I think I'm going to be too busy and too focused to do this as much as I have in the past. Maybe it'll make for higher quality stuff when I do have time to write. I don't really know.

Until then, over and out.
Comments: 2 in need - Tech Support .

[27 Jul 2008|02:41pm]
For those of you who don't know, I had a really bad motorcycle accident last night.

I was riding from Birmingham to Tuscaloosa to see Kerry. It was raining on and off, and at one point I pulled under an overpass to wait out the worst of it. Strangely enough, I ran into a guy I hadn't seen since high school who was tying a tarp over the things in the back of his truck.

When I was about a quarter mile from my exit, my bike started sounding strange - just like last time when I blew out my spark plug. I was irritated but figured I'd be fine because I had about two miles to go. I moved over into the lane to exit, and the bike started slowing down on its on so I knew something was funny. I let off the throttle to see if it would stop running funny if I let it idle for a second. When I rolled back on the fun began.

It all happened so fast... I'm about 99% sure the engine seized. And since it's a straightshift and I didn't have the clutch in, that totally locked up my back tire. I felt the back tire slide and thought I could roll it out. It fishtailed super hard twice and the third time it was just too hard to keep it up.

I still can't figure out if I spun around and was facing backwards. All I know is that I knew at that moment I was going to die. I saw the boom truck coming at me and just closed my eyes and in that tenth of a second made my peace with God. There's skid marks on the highway where he missed me. The next thing I know a voice in my head tells me to throw my arm up and start waving. Turns out the next guy said he didn't see anything but my hand and that's how he kept from hitting me.

Then I realized the bike was on top of me, and I started panicking trying to run off the highway. I freaked out so bad I pretty much tore my jeans off of me because the adrenaline was running so hard.

Then I noticed all the people running over to me. And then the cops came. And then I was like, "Shut up, Mr. State Trooper. I'm trying to get stuff taken care of," and totally blew off the state trooper while I called all the people I needed to call. And then I dealt with the police report and all of that.

Turns out about the second car behind me was the guy I knew from high school who saw the whole thing. I found out after the fact that I apparently hit so hard that they were afraid to run over to see if I was ok because they thought I was already dead.

My mom made me go to the hospital. I didn't want to go. I looked about a million times worse than I was. Other than the cut on my hand, you can barely tell there's anything wrong with me other than a small bruise on my leg.

My mom says my angels and whatnot were watching out for me. I just wanna know which one of them is such a bad mechanic and let this happen in the first place. As far as I know it was just a freak thing. I don't think the engine was running that hot. I had been riding pretty far pretty fast, but the engine never felt like it was straining. I'm hoping the insurance company doesn't total my bike. That's my biggest concern right now.

Thanks for all the concerned comments and calls and such. I missed about half of them because I was high off lortab last night. Much appreciated though.
Comments: 4 in need - Tech Support .

[21 Dec 2007|02:22am]
A Letter to my Black MadonnaCollapse )
Comments: 1 in need - Tech Support .

[15 Sep 2007|05:27pm]
I gutted my list. If you wanna be added back, comment telling me why I should.

If I like you or your reason, I'll let you back in.

If not, don't get your panties in a wad just 'cause I don't like you.

I took off everyone - no freebies, even if I love you.

The ground rule is this:
If you can't stomach what I write, don't read.
Comments: 43 in need - Tech Support .

[15 Aug 2007|04:25pm]
I've decided I hate people.

This journal is now friends only.
Comments: 11 in need - Tech Support .

[15 Aug 2007|04:14am]
I've got this sinking feeling that the more reality sets in and my idealism and faith in people is crushed I'm going to not lose hope or faith, but instead the desire to find either.

I'm afraid I'm running out of time, and before long I'll be set in my ways somewhere between here and there, forgetting where I was headed anyway - you know, like the generations before me.

This is not my destiny, my fate, or any kind of final destination. I refuse to believe that, and I refuse to settle for this.

The passion within me, the one that's been labeled as my "being full of hate," is nothing more than the passion keeping me from settling for this bullshit and accepting it as just the way things have to be.


But I feel like I'm screaming into a vacuum. I feel like there's no hope left, and sometimes I'm not even sure why I bother. Maybe we're all little animals in God's Skinner box. Or maybe one day I'll wake up and they'll tell me I made it out of the Matrix. God only knows.

If only we'd quit committing suicide long enough to realize we're killing ourselves...

We don't have to go to these churches. We don't have to do what's expected of us. We don't have to be anything. Remember when they used to tell you you could grow up to be anything you wanted to be? Is this what you wanted? And God knows I'm speaking entirely to myself... This is not what I wanted. This is me lashing out at everything they ever told me to believe in because I'm realizing that my entire world is filled with mostly shit that doesn't matter.

I'd tell you I don't care - but the fact that I'm even writing this is proof that I'm not entirely nihilistic.

I refuse to give up as easily as you did, and I refuse to believe that I've found all the answers when I'm obviously living in a miserable hole that I'm too stupid to realize I created for myself. And if it's hypocritical of me to say that, then I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I think I've looked just about everywhere I can think of for something that matters - to Christianity, to music, to Eastern philosophy, to Western philosophy, to psychology, to theology, to practically any -ology you can think of, and yet I've found nothing that matters. The only thing I'm convinced of is that I'm looking for God, and something within me is like a rabid beast just chasing after God because I know without God I die. My soul knows that, and it knows I'm running out of time. I don't know why I feel that way, but I feel a sense of panic within me like I'm afraid I'm going to get old, bitter and jaded and turn into a Presbyterian.
Comments: 3 in need - Tech Support .

[15 Aug 2007|02:23am]
The Short List of Things That Piss Me Off

1. Condescension
I'm very easy to get along with. I don't see the need to treat me as if I'm beneath you.

2. Disrespect
I give full respect where respect is due, and I expect minimal reciprocation.

3. Patronization
I'm sick of wannabe preachers and prophets adopting me as their pet project and trying to "fix" me. There have been a TON of you. I don't want or need your help. Go find some sheep, 'cause this jackass is perfectly happy being a donkey, not your sheep.

4. Abuse of Assumed Power
I'm tired of self-appointed mentors, counselors, and/or ordained ministers attempting to lord their presumed power over others. No piece of paper from any university or seminary or concentration camp can ever make you anything more than a man. Assuming you have the power of a god is Satanism. You know, Lucifer, who fell from Heaven for trying to be greater than God. That Satanism.

Just remember: no one will ever care about the power you're trying to exert over them until you respect them as more than your assumed minions.

5. Self-imposed Authority Figures
If I don't receive a paycheck from you, don't tell me what to do.

6. Anyone who has ever told me I'm demonically possessed or full of hate
The demons are a bad joke.
I'm not full of hate - I'm full of anger. There's a difference. Anger is a righteous indignation to set things right.

Anger is a gift
from "Freedom" / Rage Against the Machine

7. Anyone who talks too much and doesn't know how to listen
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

8. The existence of religious authority
I've learned more about God in a year and a half outside the church than 18 years in it.

Politics, money, lies and corruption belong in the government, not the house of God.

If I remember correctly, when Jesus saw this kind of bullshit, he started kicking ass and taking names inside the Temple.

You have corrupted a house of prayer into a den of thieves.

9. Militant Stupidity
If you claim to care about the souls of man, don't be so busy trying to destroy someone emotionally that you forget you're trying to save their soul. Cults hold power because they drain the will of their followers. How dare you attempt to beat someone down and claim you're doing them a favor! This kind of outright abuse of presumed authority is barbaric tyranny.

10. Christianity without any form of Christ
They say we preach best what we need to learn best. If you preach damnation, then even I fear for your soul.

Christ preached a love for all humanity, and yet no one seems to get that "all humanity" doesn't just mean "people like me."

I love you if you're gay, straight, white, black, red, green, blue, or even if you're a polka dotted lesbian transvestite prostitute. You know why? Because you're fucking human. And that's all you need to earn my respect.

*Bonus* People who claim they're being persecuted for God's sake

Jesus said "Blessed are you when you are persecuted because of me" not "Blessed are you when you're persecuted because your own ego has made a jackass out of you."
Comments: Tech Support .

[14 Aug 2007|08:54pm]
Guitar Player SurveyCollapse )
Comments: 2 in need - Tech Support .

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